Open Letter to Janay Palmer Rice

Elevator photo 2014 09 16Dear Janay Palmer Rice,

I am sorry you have felt humiliated by the media attention to your husband’s violence toward you.  Hopefully, you will come to learn that no one can shame you:  They can shame only themselves.

When it comes to the thought of leaving someone you have only recently married and with whom you have a child:  He can likely convince you that the courts will grant him full custody and leave you unable to protect your child.  According to Lundy Bancroft, abusive fathers do petition for custody at twice the rate of non-abusive fathers.  An excellent attorney is essential to protecting your interests.

What message is your highly-publicized abuse giving to others?  The media is loving that this story has so much traction.  Others  who are currently being victimized (this includes some men–and not all abuse is in traditional male-female relationships) are watching your case to assess if they can safely leave.  Some are still deciding, balancing the good with the bad.  They, and you, need to realize that absent a minimum of a year’s participation in a program designed specifically for domestic abusers, the bad will only get worse.  (I am not referring to Anger Management programs.  An abuser’s anger is perfectly managed, and directed laser-like at the victim.)  It ends in death with alarming frequency.

Maybe your protests to the media indicate simple posturing in order to keep yourself alive; it would make perfect sense.

If a man is strong enough to play professional football, surely he knows his hands are potentially lethal weapons.  It puzzles me that prosecutors seem to have made no mention of this.

The most dangerous time for a victim is in the act of leaving.  I would never wish for you to leave without an airtight plan, for your safety and that of your child.  You can’t just grab your things and go.  That is way too risky.

Your being well-known will not prevent your local shelter from hearing your story and working with you.  Or maybe you have a different way out.

If you don’t take some self-protective action, I worry that you could turn into the next Kasandra Perkins.  Remember Kansas City Chiefs Linebacker Jovan Belcher’s girlfriend who was shot in front of their 3-month-old child before he turned the gun on himself?  Please, do not let that be you.

Parental Alienation Is Real: (or, Co-Parenting With a Toxic Ex)

angry-b&wYes, parental alienation is real. The DSM-V (the most recent Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, that thick book your therapist pulls out in order to define the answer to What’s your problem?)–that tome that is utilized by everyone in the mental health professions–specifies that certain behaviors are considered psychological abuse of a child. (Previous editions only acknowledged physical abuse, sexual abuse, or neglect of a child.) These behaviors include berating the “alleged offender” (usually the other parent) in the child’s presence, and telling the child that person will harm or abandon them. This is done skillfully and often at the hands of alienators (targeting parents).
Fortunately, most parents do not alienate their children from the other parent, at least not intentionally. It does occur sometimes by accident, as parents may be careless about the words they utter when the children are within earshot. And there are many instances of low-level alienation that tend to work themselves out with time.
Some children are amenable to becoming alienated; others are not. Thank goodness for the invulnerability of those others.
If you have a friend whose children inexplicably reject him or her, please do not reassure your friend that children always come around. Some do; some don’t.
If you or a friend sees the beginnings of inexplicable rejection, I highly recommend reading “Co-Parenting With a Toxic Ex” by Amy J. L. Baker and Paul R. Fine. It is basically a workbook, an excellent step-by-step guide for parents who need to both recognize and counteract whatever is going on. Some suggestions sound counterintuitive; don’t give up before you read the explanations.
Some children are alienated by the same person who abused their mother (or father). There is a major element of control and sometimes revenge. The children are frequently so hateful to the targeted parent that it is tempting to just give up. Please don’t; your children need both parents (absent one or both parents being an actual physical danger to them).
Some of the signs of potential parental alienation that have resonated with me are:
When they complain about how awful the targeted parent is, the complaints are often over miniscule issues, such as “She/he wouldn’t buy me the $250 shirt I wanted.” Sometimes the children will blatantly lie about the targeted parent. They feel no compunction to treat this parent with even basic courtesy, such as thanking them for huge gifts. (And don’t think this won’t carry over to how they behave in the larger world.) The words they use in their tirades are often the exact phrases that have been previously used by the targeting parent.
A favorite scheme of targeting parents is “erase and replace,” meaning that children are often taught that Dad (or Mom) no longer deserves that title. Children are made to call the new stepparent Dad or Mom, and to call the actual parent by their first name whenever the targeting parent is around. Vacations are often planned by the targeting parent in direct conflict with the target’s court ordered parenting time. Or the less-favored parent is invited to come to school events and then made to sit far away from the child and to not be acknowledged in any way. Sometimes the targeting parent manages to “one-up” every gift from the targeted parent: Dad saved his money to take the child to the play she always wanted to see, so Mom then takes her to New York to see the Broadway version.
As you can see, this teaches children to be manipulative. It is clearly not good parenting. But there is hope.
Amy J. L. Baker and Paul R. Fine have done excellent research. I highly recommend “Co-Parenting With a Toxic Ex” as a guidebook to minimize and counteract the negative messages your child may receive.

Finding a Counselor/Domestic and Intimate Partner Abuse and Violence

Walking Away

Walking Away

Domestic and Intimate Partner Abuse and Violence continue to be a major societal problem, sometimes even resulting in the victim’s death. Despite massive increases in awareness and education, people continue to be victimized on a daily basis.
As a mental health counselor, I see people with numerous complaints who fail to recognize the pattern of abuse until they see the Power and Control Wheel (featured in the DV section of my web page). I also see that rare individual who has committed isolated acts of abuse and sincerely wants to stop (and quickly succeeds).
I am talking, rather, about the probably 99 percent of cases that fit the profile of someone who insists on power and control, and many will stop at nothing.
Many victims receive needed assistance through local domestic violence shelters, 24-hour hotlines, support groups, and victim advocates. Some will elect to engage the services of a professional mental health counselor.
Not every counselor or psychologist is an expert on domestic abuse, any more than all can be expected to specialize in bulimia or post-partum depression. It is essential to find someone who understands the dynamics and has the ability to work with the trauma that often results. Some helpful hints in choosing such a counselor include:
Ask them about their specific background in this field.
Inquire about how they will respect your specific belief system.
Run like the dickens if you are told that you need to stay and work it through, for religious or other reasons.
Avoid joint counseling if you have the tiniest inkling that what you say in session may be used against you later, or if you have even the smallest apprehension. Misguided attempts at couples counseling can further endanger the victim.
Ask yourself if you feel you are being taken seriously. This is essential.
Do you feel you are being treated with respect?
Will you feel comfortable sharing your secrets? (If the answer is No, that does not impugn the professional. But you will do your best work if the two of you are a good “fit.”)

I would love nothing more than to work my way out of a job, as regards working with abuse victims. Every time someone gets the help they need, we move a bit closer toward that goal.