To Trust or Not To Trust

999355_10151474743961750_39057317_nWhile Jamahl was working overseas, he sent money to his wife to pay the rent, only to return to an eviction notice. Francine gave money to a charity purporting to help families of children with cancer, only to later learn that this group was under investigation. Tristan confided in a friend, then learned his story had been shared indiscriminately. Should these people totally stop trusting? I’m thinking No. But I’m guessing their futures will include more self-protective behavior. Jamahl may pay bills directly in the future, Francine may check charity watch websites before she donates, and Tristan is likely to share innocuous information before he reveals anything with the potential for embarrassment.
With regard to obtaining counseling, people frequently say “I’m not going to tell my deepest secrets to a total stranger.” Believe it or not, that makes sense to me. Even though I am the stranger asking you to share your secrets. Trust is a complicated issue, and is different for each of us. It’s okay to not trust a new person all at once if it makes you uncomfortable. Even if that person is bound by rules involving confidentiality. You can start with minor disclosures, then take your time and work your way up to the riskier ones as you feel emotionally ready.
For those of you who have been betrayed (and isn’t that just about everyone?), it is tempting to insist you will never trust anyone again. This will spare you vulnerability; it will also leave you detached from potential friends and allies. Holding our secrets too closely can drag us down, keep us from emotional healing when we have been wounded. So how to start?
It may help to remember that trust is not one discrete decision, it is a series of smaller ones. You have a choice in each of them. Maybe it’s good to ask yourself, Would I rather hold on to my secrets, or would I rather risk vulnerability in order to experience greater connection and healing?

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