Abuse Isn’t Always Ended By Leaving

Upset baby

Suffering child

“Just leave!” It’s that simple, right? Wrong. Approximately 50 percent of women who are murdered by their partners are in the act of leaving or have left within the past few months. Fortunately, most abusive situations do not end so tragically, but it should be very clear that leaving does not necessarily end abuse. Sometimes that abuse is actually exacerbated. This especially applies if you are dealing with someone whose attitude may be “Oops, I can’t hit them any more. Guess I’ll have to start dragging them into court instead.”
The Power and Control Wheel has been well publicized for several years, highlighting patterns of abusive behavior. Seek out any web site for abuse victims and you will find that wheel prominently displayed. What is less known, and far more recent, is the Post Separation Power and Control Wheel. A huge portion of that wheel involves using children as pawns in order to further inflict harm on a mom or a dad who simply wants to be a good parent, to proceed without interference.
I have seen the court system used to exact revenge on people who exercised their right to leave. The very system that is charged with watching out for the best interest of the children, sometimes winds up unwittingly doing the opposite. Parents who previously had no interest in their own children suddenly start petitioning for shared parenting, or even sole custody. This despite the children being attached to the other parent and thriving under that parent’s care. I do not oppose shared parenting; I have seen children thrive in such situations. But it only works when both parents are invested in its success.
According to world-renowned expert Lundy Bancroft, abusive fathers petition for custody at approximately double the rate of non-abusive fathers. This makes perfect sense to me: A non-abusive father who is concerned about his children’s situation will also consider the implications of subjecting these same children to a court proceeding. That father is likely to proceed only if the situation is dire enough to justify involving the children in litigation. That father may say, “Gee, I don’t much like my ex-wife’s new husband and neither do my kids, but he pretty much stays out of the way and he treats my ex well.” That same father is more likely to petition for a change in custody only if he has reason to feel the children are being directly harmed: If the children report missing school because the stepfather and mother are too absorbed in arguments to get them on the bus, or if the mother and/or stepfather drink to excess on a nightly basis and keep the children awake far past midnight, or if there is never enough food in the house…and children are of course in obvious danger in the event there is physical or sexual abuse.
If a noncustodial parent cares about the children’s welfare, that parent will first attempt to mitigate any negative effects from the children’s home environment. Extra court involvement will be saved as a last resort. And yes, that does sometimes need to be done.
The abusive father or noncustodial mother, on the other hand, might think nothing of filing an emergency ex parte motion to have a child immediately removed from that child’s home pending a court hearing, sometimes even inventing false accusations, in order to hurt the other parent. It bothers the abuser not at all that the child also suffers.
The court system should not be used to continue the abuse long after the victim has left. I would love to see every domestic judge in the country become educated and aware, and earn to use their power to stop this. I know, laws have to change, and it will be an extensive process. But until that happens, too much power will rest in the hands of those who intend harm. Does anyone seriously believe that is in the best interest of the children?

P.S. I tried to post the Post Separation Power and Control Wheel, by the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project, in Duluth MN, and couldn’t.  If you are interested, you can find it with the keywords Post Separation Power and Control Wheel.

Politics in Everyday Life

protest sign in crowd

protest: We Are Better…

Having grown up in a very political family, I often tried to downplay the issue of politics. Then I came to the realization that it really cannot be avoided. Moral issues tend to have a political side to them, as was present to us so dramatically in the recent crisis of immigrant children being separated from their parents at the southern border of this country. Just about every professional organization weighed in on that—including the American Psychiatric Association, the American Counseling Association, the American Psychological Association, numerous medical and pediatric associations…you name it. None of these associations exists for political purposes, but in this case there was no denying the link.
Prior to becoming licensed as an LPCC, I did my internship with adopted children who had attachment issues, which are most commonly caused by abuse or neglect in the first two or three years of life. Children with this disorder tend to be indiscriminate in who they will show affection to, many of them will tell obvious lies with a straight face, pit their parents against one another, manipulate situations, and demand control at all times simply for the sake of control. Why? Those early years are when they decide if the world is a safe place. Though all parents and caregivers make mistakes, the generally healthy pattern for an infant is that when the child cries or shows distress, at least one adult attempts to comfort that child, to meet whatever need arises, be it food, changing, or simply wanting to be held. This comfort has recently been snatched from so many of these younger migrant children.
The older children are unlikely to develop Reactive Attachment Disorder, but they will have long-lasting symptoms of Posttraumatic Stress Disorder, or PTSD. We did this to them. I don’t mean you and I individually, but we are part of the country that did this to them.
And this is very political. Very.
Though I have no intention of engaging clients in political discussions, sometimes the problems that bring them into my office have a political basis. Women’s equality, domestic abuse, GLBTQIA issues, racial and religious differences, the views of different cultures, working with the differently-abled such as children with autism or extreme Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder or with physical problems, listening to someone who is wrangling with obtaining much-needed healthcare while every other developed country has universal health care…How can this not be political?
You may go to demonstrations and call your congressional representatives or you may not. I don’t care. But I can no longer pretend that it is possible to go through life on this earth without being political in some way.
I have exactly zero interest in making any attempt to change your party affiliation or your political views. And I will hold firmly to my own, which are intricately connected to my own moral center.